


In the Light of the Stars

by NoC6H12O64u



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Colonist (Mass Effect), F/M, Mass Effect 3, Sentinel (Mass Effect), Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 11:51:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11554638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoC6H12O64u/pseuds/NoC6H12O64u
Summary: Shepard is making her final decision at the Conduit. It's only the memories of why she's fighting that keeps her going.





	In the Light of the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> A one shot. Long time Mass Effect player, but this idea just jumped into my head today. Fair warning it jumps from third person to first person, as if Shepard has Thane's eidetic memory, and there is a little bit of smut. I'm sure you can handle ;)

Pain. That was the only thing that she could focus on. Whatever the kid… program… was saying to her, she was only half listening. Jane Shepard just couldn’t get her mind clear… was it a form of indoctrination? Was it the grief from watching the Illusive Man kill Anderson? Turn the gun on him? The nightmares had plagued her since the War started, but this grief… she couldn’t think about how she could survive it.

_“Jane.” His mouth against my ear as he breathes my name. Sweat on his skin. Warm to the touch, like summer on Mindoir. God if I could just hide in this room with him, I would be happy._

The child, program, thing had given her a choice. Kill the Reapers and destroy the relays. Merge with the Reapers and preserve the relays. Merge with the Reapers and preserve the relays. Every option sucked, every option came with a consequence. _I am my actions, I’m the one accountable_. She had to remind herself that as she watched the battle take place outside of the Citadel. Over Earth. She couldn’t help but smile… _Hey… There’s Canada._

_He laughs in my ear. Deep. Relaxed. As if the war is a thousand miles away. The beer in our hands just isn’t **good** enough. He says we’ll have to try good beer when this is all over. We’ll go to Vancouver and put our legs up and have a pint and just relax. Watching the sun set over the water, I’d meet his family. Would they like me? If they got to meet me? I’d rather fight a Banshee than deal with a disappointed parent…_

She groans, shuffling as best as she could as that little kid, program, thing, just watched. She wanted to scream at him, to tell him that this wasn’t fair. Why did she have to make _this_ decision? She had made so many that it made her heart hurt. If she remembered too much she felt like she would throw up.

 _Mordin_ … _He smiles. He’s resigned. He knows. His problem, his solution. He’s the only one that can do it right. Watch him go up that elevator. The entire tower looks like it may be destroyed at any second. Have to go. Have to clear the blast. Smart Salarian STG Bastard… what will I do without you?_

_Legion. He looks up. Could he see the Geth above them? Past the clouds of Rannoch? The Reaper is still screaming in death. Everyone is breathing hard. We almost died. Legion wants to help. Legion wants to understand. Legion was more human than some of the humans I knew. He has to go. I can’t cry. He knows he has to do this. I know he has to do this. It’s the only way for **peace**. The word is heavy in my mouth. Does it even exist?_

The pistol just feels heavy in her hand. Short brown hair is plastered to her skin by the blood and sweat of battle. Every step is labored as she starts to move. She has to stop. Her mind is fogging and it’s hard to focus on putting one foot in front of another. _I survived Akuze, I survived Mindoir, why the fuck am I struggling with this?_

_Thane! Why are you here? You are **dying** you shouldn’t be fighting dumb Cerberus assassins! Kai Leng shoots him in the shoulder. He clutches his shoulder and stumbles. The Salarian Councilor is alive… and I almost wish he wasn’t…_

Jane coughed up blood. That dark red wetting her lips like she was at Kasumi’s little party. Another groan escapes her lips as she walks her broken body forward, making a small direction change as she makes her option. That little kid is quiet the entire time… but it’s okay. The memories are flooding back quicker now. It’s harder to keep one foot in front of the other as she goes to the Conduit.

_The prayer was for me? Why me? Thane why are you still looking out for me even after every sin I’ve committed…_

_Everyone is at the party… getting along. I can’t believe it. Nothing has broken yet… Jack is behaving, Grunt hasn’t head butted anyone, Jacob hasn’t dared anyone to do pushups… it’s almost… normal. Hell, Javik and Liara aren’t even fighting. Someone pinch me… I’m dreaming… But he’s still… being the responsible one. He’s always looking out for everyone… making sure everyone is okay. I’m supposed to do that, I’m the Commander, but he just slips in that role so easy…_

_I hear laughter and turn to see Liara, Jack and Samara approach me. Biotics competition? Liara has finesse, Jack has raw power, Samara has control… Kaidan… he supports us. He’s our Warden, our protector… They dare me to show off. The L3 will hurt in the morning…_

“One foot… next foot… keep… moving…”

 _Sanity checks… this is what it was. We’re keeping ourselves sane. There’s no point in fighting this war if we don’t have a reason to. Survival is one thing… but that’s selfish. I have to be fighting **for** something… what… who am I fighting for? There are a thousand data pads on my desk, messages on my computer that need my attention, and piles of paper in separators that look like they are going to buckle under the weight. They are counting on me. **Me**_ **.** _But he’s there. Saving me… again. A bottle in hand, quickly taking the datapad out of mine and brushing past me like a fresh breeze. He knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. That I would need company. A sanity check before the end. He promises five minutes, a quick drink, a break, and then he’s gone. We both know that’s not going to happen._

_He’s trying to console me and all I can think about is apologizing. For dragging him back into this, but mostly for Cerberus. I want to tell him he was right, that I was wrong about them. That I had been using them but fell for their dirty tricks and look where it got us. That I should have gone to him when I could, or at least told him I was alive. I was so dumb. So, scared. “I hope I did… I keep running the numbers.” There are so many people that need us to do this **right**. How many times have I pulled victory out of the jaws of defeat? The jaws of **death**? Can I do it again? Can I bring us through that relay again?_

“One foot… next foot…” it hurts so much, but Jane gets closer and closer to that conduit. She tries to do fuzzy math… does she have bullets? Can she even destroy it? To pass her judgement and save humanity? Save the Milky Way? Her home? Where everyone she has ever loved lives? Can she keep them from meeting the abyss just a bit longer?

_He’s singing my praises like I’m some kind of savior, a champion. Someone who will be sung about in decades to come. It’s not a sanity check, it’s a pep talk. He knows I’m wavering. He’s seen the signs before, with Saren and Harbinger. “You were pretty spectacular.” He could barely hide that grin of his when he talks about our first night… as if he counts it among his best memories, or at least proudest. I hold that drink in my hand, brandy. It’s hard. It’ll burn. But at least I’ll know I’m still alive if it does. I don’t need the drink to know I’m alive, I need him. I lean forward into that kiss and feel him chuckle against my lips._

_“I lied… I, I didn’t come here for a quick drink.” He giggles and my heart flutters. He is happy. The pain of the L2, of our pasts is just gone. He’s here, he’s real, and he loves me. **Me**. Not Commander Shepard. Not the Hero of Akuze. Not the First Human Spectre. Not the Hero of the Citadel. He loves **me** , Jane Shepard, a dumb, angry orphan from Mindoir._

Tears were running down her cheeks as she leveled that pistol at the pulsing red Conduit. She was angry at that kid, at least have some reaction as you let one human decide the fate of countless races. The gun jumps in her hand as she pulled the trigger, Carnifex always had a bad recoil even with mods. The first squeeze was hard. Second. Third. Fourth. She’s angry as she straightens up, walking confidently at that Conduit as she blows it to hell like a geth on Eden Prime, like a Collector on Horizon, like all the damn husks and monsters that the Reapers threw at her. She wants to scream every curse she knows as the explosion rips through her, but all she can think about is that man she left behind on earth.

_“I’ve always loved you. Through all these years, through… through everything… I’m the luckiest man alive.” I’ve always felt strong, but his arms around my waist, up my back, straddling his waist as he pulls me into a kiss… that’s strength. The strength that can keep you together. That could bring him back from a coma. That could bring them back after all that shit with the Collectors. I broke the kiss…I’m going to destroy him if he stays with me…nothing good comes from staying with me. I go to move and he grabs my hand, pulling it to his chest, “Hey hey hey… where are you going.” Those brown eyes pierce me and I can’t go. I can’t leave him. I never wanted to plan for the future. After Saren, I just assumed the Council would regal me to oblivion, but then there was the attack. After Cerberus brought me back, I assumed the Alliance and Citadel would want nothing to do with me… I was a tool for the Illusive Man to use and discard at his pleasure. That look in his eyes… he isn’t as final as I am. He sees something I don’t. A family? Retirement? Peace?_

_“You better kiss me then…” and he obliges, those strong arms pulling me into his chest as we kiss deeply. We might not make it. The invasion of Earth was so long ago, and Anderson was barely holding on… we could be blown out of the sky. I’m back on the Normandy, mind finally on the **here** as he picks me up in those arms, standing, walking towards the bed._

_He sets me down and we undress each other, mouths never leaving each other’s. It’s hungry, desperate, a passion reserved for two people who knew they were going into the jaws of death and may not see each other on the other side. My hoodie and tank top are removed in one quick movement, as is his shirt, hands fumbling at our waists as we tug and pull at each other’s pants. We laugh into each other’s mouths, grins on our face as if we were kids playing hookie during school. I walked him to the bed, out of that pool of fabric that rested at our ankles. He falls back, smiling from ear to ear as he looks up at me. I couldn’t help but feel red creeping up my cheeks and my neck. I **need** this man in my life. Not his body, but that damn happy attitude that kept my edges soft. He kept me grounded and God, I needed it._

If Jane thought she knew what pain was, the blinding red light that hit her might as well have been Harbinger. It brought pain, white searing pain that ripped through her armor like cosmic radiation. She felt the air leave her lungs as she was thrown back onto that platform, hitting it hard as the entire Citadel shuttered. The circuits were going haywire, sparks flying everywhere as she rolled onto her stomach, reaching her hands out to drag herself back to where Anderson’s body was. “No… not yet…” the words were a grunt, blood staining her mouth as she dragged herself forward. The sound of creaking metal echoed around her, impending doom as a loud bang echoed in the chaos. She turned in enough time to see that beam falling. It wouldn’t crush her… but she knew that platform was a goner. She turned those green eyes to the side, looking at the stars above her. _Kaidan_ …

_His mouth was hot as he trailed it down between my breasts, following my sternum and making mew shiver and squirm in delight. Strong hands held my waist, gentle enough to not leave a mark, but he had to keep my hips from bucking once he started to tease that warm and wet slit between my legs. My eyes screwed shut, that warm opening already slick, and I couldn’t help but moan. Tonight, tonight I just wanted to be a woman in the arms of a man that I loved, who had taken care of me, who had protected me, who loved me despite all the flaws and messes I got us into._

_I knew that grin was still plastered on his face as started to conquer me, his Commander. A moan escaped my lips as my back arched into his hand, his fingers playing a tune they knew well. I gave in. After everything. All the shit and pain that we’ve been through. We deserve this. Fuck gossip, fuck the Reapers… I’ll deal with them in the morning._

_My green eyes caught his, and I could see him grinning like a damn fool. If this was part of his sanity checks than I should invite him up more often. My hips pitched up, moving in time with his fingers as his mouth did wonders. I felt his free hand on my abdomen, pressing me down, keeping me still as he drew out every noise he wanted to hear. My breath hitched, and my legs started to tremble as he brought me to that edge._

_“What do you want Commander?” I was going to kill him. He stopped. That damn Canadian stopped. I could barely summon the strength to look down at him as he kissed that opening, making me tremble. “Commander?”_

_“Kaidan, please…”_

_“Please what? Commander…” his fingers moved sharply and I moaned in delight. Ohhh Kaidan when did you get like this?_

_“Please Kaidan, I want to cum.” Begging wasn’t my thing. Crime bosses. Terrorists. Giant Mechanical Robots who were trying to wipe my people and my friends off the face of the galaxy. They never heard me beg. This Lieutenant on the other hand..._

_Well his hand started to move and I moaned in anticipation, only to feel him pull away. I groaned, pushing myself up onto my elbows, only to feel those lips crash against mine as he pulled at my hips. I felt him against me, that cock pressing against my dripping wet opening and I opened my eyes when he pulled his lips away._

_“Jane…”_

_“Kaidan,” a hand went to stroke his cheek. God, I could stare at those eyes forever, but I have to close mine as he pushes forward. A gasp falls from my lip and I can hear him cuss, kissing my neck and shoulder as he works himself into me. My legs come around his hips, pulling him closer as he starts to move. I want to be here forever. I never want to get out of bed. I never want to be away from him. The Reapers can have the universe, as long as I have him._

_A shameful moan comes from my lips, and I can feel him growl against my flesh as he pulses harder. He’s close, and I have no problem obliging as I pump my hips into him. His hands are over my back, arching me into him as he drags a hand over my face, watching me moan in bliss as he makes love to me as if we will die tomorrow. “Kaidan…”_

_The nightmare woke me, and I gasp, turning in his arms as I look up at the stars streaming past us. I don’t want to know how long he’s been here. The entire crew knows already, and if they have a problem they can shove it. I just want to remember this, his arm under my head, one on my waist, holding my hand as if we’ve done this all our lives. Those stars just seem brighter._

“Ahhhhhh!” the air feels charred when it enters my lungs. “Kkaidan….”


End file.
